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indi3punk5ta
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Name: miss yuki
Country: United States
State: Washington
Metro: Seattle
Gender: Female
Interests: ::vintage::wrangler jeans::track jackets::sweatshirts::goodwill tees::mini-skirts::big sunglasses::converse allstars::asics::studded belts::urban outfitters::french connection::ben sherman::starbucks::bookstores::john irving::the virgin suicides::half.com::punk shows::matchbook romance::my chemical romance::the beatles::anberlin::bright eyes::death cab for cutie::duncan sheik::muse::the shins::hk pop::emo boys::hair color::short spikey hair::long sweepy hair::earrings::splenda::fight club::edward norton::donnie darko::the o.c.::the amazing race::travel::europe::london::hong kong::tokyo::new york city::nyu::
Occupation: Student
Industry: Art
Message: message me
MSN: yourstruly_indiepunkster@hotmail.com
Member Since:
2/3/2004
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| home & garden cover shootcharlotte york and trey mcdougal sat in their beautiful upper east side apartment and had breakfast. A handsome doctor and a beautiful socialite, they were the perfect couple.
some relationships are only beautiful from the outside.
we're the powerhouse couple i've always dreamed of being. i used to dream of a handsome blonde marketing mananger mogul with a trendy urban fashionista. we would take over the world from coast to coast. when that dream fell through, i thought my dreams were shattered and i thought i proved miss carrie bradshaw right. she was right, perfect couples were just pictures.
then the power house engineering program manager came in. not only the managing mogul, but world class athlete. this and a now budding financial genius, taking over aerospace and retail, one latte and dreamliner at a time. these past eight months feel like a weird dream. where even simple moments like cleaning the kitchen stove here in bellevue washington, can feel like prepping for a ladies luncheon in the fabulous zip codes of new york city. where clad in nothing but a t-shirt and jeans feels like french couture and louboutin stilettos. each moment feels too good to be true, and i wake up with this fear that i'm going to wake up and realize that this whole time i've been watching fromthe outside.
is it cynicism? is it self preservation? what it isn't is taking it for granted. i'm so grateful to have met my mcdougal, to realize that sometimes, it's ok that they're not completely fucked up like big. that there are going to be guys who don't want to lead you on and break your heart for 3 years un-ending, who disappear and forget you exist after sharing the most intimate of conversations - that not every guy is out to hurt you.
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| i once wrote to a friend...do you ever have one of those surreal moments where you can't believe where you're standing and what you're seeing?
i biked across the golden gate bridge this weekend. besides my knees feeling like they were about to give out not only from the ridiculous uphill climb to the actual damn bridge, but also from being so absolutely stunned at realizing where i was and what i was looking at. to my left i saw the endless bay of water, so perfectly meeting the sunset and feeling the warmth on the sun on my skin. i looked up and saw the towering beauty looming over me and to my right saw the san francisco skyline. "this is the good life", i thought...
i hopped back on the bike and continued the trek towards sausalito. as i went breezing across the bridge with the chilly december wind against my face, i looked over to my left and saw kieran smiling at me, passing me on the bike. "this is great, isn't it?" he asked. i couldn't think of anyway to correctly express how fully i believed in the answer "yes".
we got back last night from a weekend trip to san francisco. we stayed in a city view room on the 23rd floor on the grand hyatt located right in the middle of union square (and conveniently across the street from not only gucci, but dior and louis vuitton, god help me). we completed the san francisco checklist for every tourist: ride the cablecar, check. squeel as the cable car went flying downhill, check. squeeze my boyfriend's hand as i saw our passing reflection in the shop windows on the cable car, check. walk around fisherman's wharf double fisting ice cream cones and crepes, check. ferry boat ride to alcatraz, check. hiked up the damn alcatraz island in ridiculously inappropriate shoes (four and a half in heeled boots), check. the most amazing french meal (and most ridiculous bill i have ever picked up), check. drank myself silly off absolute gimlets and bailey's on the rocks at the top of the hotel laughing away to the san francisco skyline in the backdrop, check. ate delicious pasta at a crazy italian cafe in north beach at about 2 o'clock in the morning, check. shopped my little butt off across all of downtown san francisco, check. felt so incredibly happy, safe, and unfairly lucky asi fell asleep in kieran's arms on the plane ride home, CHECK.
although our weekend plans are going to sound complete contradictory to this statement i'm about to make, i'm going to say it anyway, we're a fairly modest and tame couple. modest and tame in the way that, he always gives me a light kiss on the cheek before we leave for work. or "i had a great weekend, thanks". nothing over the top, no overly dramatic gestures, just simple kisses and goodbyes and tokens of affection. although sometimes it worries me that perhaps he's not as heavily emotionally vested in me as i am him, it's a stable feeling. i left a bit hurriedly and quick today in the morning and he didn't kiss me as i left. 2 minutes later, my phone rings and he asks me if everything is ok. "i always give you a little kiss and you just ran right off, so i thought something was wrong." there's something so safe and comfortable in little routine gestures of that sort.
but i find myself wanting to drop the "L" word at the end of phonecalls. "ok, call me later. lo-, *ahem* yeah. talk to you soon". i catch myself at these random awkward points and i can't figure out if i want to say it because i genuinely feel that way or if it's one of those things i just feel like i should say.
people mistake us for living together. mika now calls him "my other half". when he shows up to joey's by himself or with other friends, everybody asks him where i am first before they ask him "how many in your party?". and frighteningly enough, the only thing that irked me about this was being scared that it bothered him. i like being associated with him. i like being known as a couple. dear god, what has this welsch man done to me?
he wants to go to new york together. i want to take him to hawaii for vacation. and we both want to spend summer in paris together. but at the same time, we both know that there's still so much up in the air. he could be moving back to the uk or even france at this time next year. we could potentially break up in 2 weeks. we know there's no guarantee. and i find myself constantly comforting myself that this is a good thing because in all honesty, it scares me. am i just a "fun american girl"? or am i "yuki, the complicated, sometimes tough, yet to ridiculously vulnerable, sometimes even needy, but fully supportive girlfriend?" i don't know and i'm too scared to ask.
i can't believe i just wrote that much about a boy. yes, there are more important things in life. jesus yuki.
i'm taking a stab at this taking better care of myself thing. no, yuki, three bowls of french fries don't count as eating better. yes yuki, you should go to the gym. no, no more smoking. no more binge drinking. and with these things comes the loss of appeal of things like clubbing nights, dressing up like a skank and trying to score free drinks. rather, meet me for wine and dinner or movie nights, or let's go play some pool. it feels good to not be hungover or reeking of sweat and smoke every morning.
i'm on a new quest to figure out what i want to do with this whole career thing. my friend carolyn joined microsoft as a marketing analyst a year ago and just recently joined the economist as a marketing manager. if she made that jump, so can i. so now it just buckles down to my staying focused in a position i'm not too hot about and preparing myself for movement in the very near future, whether still in this company or no. as much as i'd like to give all this up and just live my life as a freelance photographer, i know that's not possible. but nobody said i can't do it in my very limited free time. step one: create a website and learn how to sell myself. maybe i'll even have you model for my portfolio when you return.
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| a lot can happen in two months...my days begin either still snuggled up against the warmth of kieran's body enveloped in the soft comforter and protected by his arms or i open my eyes and greet the day to the cityscape of belltown. it's the wee hours of the morning, as sunbreak peeks into my bay windows, that i'm reminded that i really have become a working adult. no more roommates, no more yelling at my mother, no more "throw on a sweatshirt and show up to class an hour late", but rather routine, discipline and most of all, responsibility. work has been a learning experience. i've discovered many flaws about the company previously hidden by an overly fabricated idealistic perception of this dominating monster. and i'm slowly, more and more, starting to figure out what may be more suitable for myself. consulting? finance/equity sales? i'm trying to figure it all out. there's something strangely "nice" about having a routine. it's nice to hit the snooze button every morning at 7:30, and to step onto the MT132 at 8:17. and it's the greatest feeling in the world to know that at the end of the workday, it's going to be a lovely dinner and movie on the couch with kieran. i've never been one for relationships. especially ones that were calm, steady, patient... in other words, normal. it was always this addiction for complication, for drama, for pain. and now, now that things are the most simplest they've ever been, they're absolutely perfect. kieran's more than i could have asked for. older, wiser, patient, so smart, so talented, so sweet, so caring, so kind. for the first time in my life, it feels so unbelievably good to be so unbelievably vulnerable. all my friends are getting old. we meet up for dinner still in work clothes, gossip over happy hour, and plan weekend getaways to the hottest cities all over the world. christmas in san francisco and new york with kieran, march madness in miami, weekend rendezvous in vegas...
belltown, queen anne, green lake, bellevue, kirkland...
good wine, good food, good company... this is definitely the good life :) | | |
| the new things in lifeit's been a while, dear friends. from broken hearts, to foreign excursions, it's been a busy few months. especially when i decided to change the entire course of my planned out life to something completely different after a random phonecall/pseudo job interview. i cancelled SF plans. i'm actually going to be living in seattle, working for the evil coffee monster, haha. but i think this is going to be better for me. despite the size of the company, my team only has five people, including myself. my manager, linda, is extremely wise, nice, and i really look up to her. she's been with the company for over fourteen years, so needless to say, the woman knows her shit. i'm in the US retail sector which means i get the in on all the exciting things that are going on. i know all of the new drinks they're planning on releasing, all the marketing ideas, the new concepts about the starbucks card, everything! now i just have to figure out a way to make my cubicle a bit more "yuki friendly". right now it's very bland and boring. luckily, i stocked up on postcards while i was in europe, so i should be ok. i'm moving out in a week into my dream apartment. i found a loft studio apartment right in the middle of belltown, on 2nd & blanchard (behind one of my favorite bars). it's absolutely perfect for me and i'm ready to start this more...independent part of my life. i've never lived on my own, and i'm gonna admit, it's probably going to be quite lonely. but i'm expecting more time for myself. and i think i really need that in the next few months. i'm learning french. je m'appelle yuki :) and i love it. fall's here. hello to socks and sweaters. i'm excited for the new things to come as all the events from summer fold over for a new chapter in my life... | | |
| i lost my ability to loveisn't it frightening sometimes to look at the way your character changes over time and the course of events that occur throughout your life?
marissa came up to me the other day and "what's happened to you? you never used to be like this.."
she's right. i used to be so active across so many aspects of my life. social butterfly, straight-A studente, so content and still curious with what life had laid down in front of me. nowadays, i'm gone working until late hours, passed out in bed from exhaustion and lack of sustenance until late afternoon hours. i'm memorizing bar drinks more than financial models, i spend more time schmoozing rich men then hanging out with my friends, and i've become slightly obsessed with my bank account numbers, overtaking any attention i used to pay to my grades.
i'm tired. i crashed so hard this weekend, from an infected ankle to just simply working too much. at 11:00 p.m. i rolled myself out of bed, binged on whatever i could find in my fridge, and spent a quiet moment thinking about the place that i'm in now. my friends have slipped from any sort of grip i used to have and i know i have nothing and no one to blame but myself and the way i set my priorities. full time load + over full time work strains relationships to such a thin stretch that they eventually evaporate into nothing. still tragically devastated from an unsuccessful love affair, i've built up these ridiculous walls around my emotions, and at any slight sign that i may begin to tear these walls down, i put the restraints down and i'm back to once again being nothing but an empty human shell.
i talked with alan today regarding relationships and how they fit into this current place in our lives. i'm leaving for europe in 2 months, moving to san francisco for a year, before hopefully spending 2 years in copenhagen doing my masters degrees. what fool on the face of this earth would put up with a regimen like that? i don't quite have a problem with being alone. i don't miss hearing the "i love you"s and i know if it's physical attention that i seek, i have my means of satiating that need. i'm not stupid enough to think into the long term arena, but it's a bit numbing to know that life is spinning so fast, almost out of control, and that all of it was created with my own two hands. nobody knows if any of these decisions i make are right and in a few months' time i could be kicking myself in the ass for it. but for now, although at moments like right now suck so badly, i know this is right. it's a growing pain and the masochist that i am, i can't admit to love how painfully drained i am each night as i fall into slumber. i like the ache of sleeping alone, and how it hurts to crave nothing more but human warmth next to me each night.
i'm sick. | | |
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