| | isn't it frightening sometimes to look at the way your character changes over time and the course of events that occur throughout your life?
marissa came up to me the other day and "what's happened to you? you never used to be like this.."
she's right. i used to be so active across so many aspects of my life. social butterfly, straight-A studente, so content and still curious with what life had laid down in front of me. nowadays, i'm gone working until late hours, passed out in bed from exhaustion and lack of sustenance until late afternoon hours. i'm memorizing bar drinks more than financial models, i spend more time schmoozing rich men then hanging out with my friends, and i've become slightly obsessed with my bank account numbers, overtaking any attention i used to pay to my grades.
i'm tired. i crashed so hard this weekend, from an infected ankle to just simply working too much. at 11:00 p.m. i rolled myself out of bed, binged on whatever i could find in my fridge, and spent a quiet moment thinking about the place that i'm in now. my friends have slipped from any sort of grip i used to have and i know i have nothing and no one to blame but myself and the way i set my priorities. full time load + over full time work strains relationships to such a thin stretch that they eventually evaporate into nothing. still tragically devastated from an unsuccessful love affair, i've built up these ridiculous walls around my emotions, and at any slight sign that i may begin to tear these walls down, i put the restraints down and i'm back to once again being nothing but an empty human shell.
i talked with alan today regarding relationships and how they fit into this current place in our lives. i'm leaving for europe in 2 months, moving to san francisco for a year, before hopefully spending 2 years in copenhagen doing my masters degrees. what fool on the face of this earth would put up with a regimen like that? i don't quite have a problem with being alone. i don't miss hearing the "i love you"s and i know if it's physical attention that i seek, i have my means of satiating that need. i'm not stupid enough to think into the long term arena, but it's a bit numbing to know that life is spinning so fast, almost out of control, and that all of it was created with my own two hands. nobody knows if any of these decisions i make are right and in a few months' time i could be kicking myself in the ass for it. but for now, although at moments like right now suck so badly, i know this is right. it's a growing pain and the masochist that i am, i can't admit to love how painfully drained i am each night as i fall into slumber. i like the ache of sleeping alone, and how it hurts to crave nothing more but human warmth next to me each night.
i'm sick. |
| | Posted 4/28/2007 4:47 AM - 34 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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