| | do you ever have one of those surreal moments where you can't believe where you're standing and what you're seeing?
i biked across the golden gate bridge this weekend. besides my knees feeling like they were about to give out not only from the ridiculous uphill climb to the actual damn bridge, but also from being so absolutely stunned at realizing where i was and what i was looking at. to my left i saw the endless bay of water, so perfectly meeting the sunset and feeling the warmth on the sun on my skin. i looked up and saw the towering beauty looming over me and to my right saw the san francisco skyline. "this is the good life", i thought...
i hopped back on the bike and continued the trek towards sausalito. as i went breezing across the bridge with the chilly december wind against my face, i looked over to my left and saw kieran smiling at me, passing me on the bike. "this is great, isn't it?" he asked. i couldn't think of anyway to correctly express how fully i believed in the answer "yes".
we got back last night from a weekend trip to san francisco. we stayed in a city view room on the 23rd floor on the grand hyatt located right in the middle of union square (and conveniently across the street from not only gucci, but dior and louis vuitton, god help me). we completed the san francisco checklist for every tourist: ride the cablecar, check. squeel as the cable car went flying downhill, check. squeeze my boyfriend's hand as i saw our passing reflection in the shop windows on the cable car, check. walk around fisherman's wharf double fisting ice cream cones and crepes, check. ferry boat ride to alcatraz, check. hiked up the damn alcatraz island in ridiculously inappropriate shoes (four and a half in heeled boots), check. the most amazing french meal (and most ridiculous bill i have ever picked up), check. drank myself silly off absolute gimlets and bailey's on the rocks at the top of the hotel laughing away to the san francisco skyline in the backdrop, check. ate delicious pasta at a crazy italian cafe in north beach at about 2 o'clock in the morning, check. shopped my little butt off across all of downtown san francisco, check. felt so incredibly happy, safe, and unfairly lucky asi fell asleep in kieran's arms on the plane ride home, CHECK.
although our weekend plans are going to sound complete contradictory to this statement i'm about to make, i'm going to say it anyway, we're a fairly modest and tame couple. modest and tame in the way that, he always gives me a light kiss on the cheek before we leave for work. or "i had a great weekend, thanks". nothing over the top, no overly dramatic gestures, just simple kisses and goodbyes and tokens of affection. although sometimes it worries me that perhaps he's not as heavily emotionally vested in me as i am him, it's a stable feeling. i left a bit hurriedly and quick today in the morning and he didn't kiss me as i left. 2 minutes later, my phone rings and he asks me if everything is ok. "i always give you a little kiss and you just ran right off, so i thought something was wrong." there's something so safe and comfortable in little routine gestures of that sort.
but i find myself wanting to drop the "L" word at the end of phonecalls. "ok, call me later. lo-, *ahem* yeah. talk to you soon". i catch myself at these random awkward points and i can't figure out if i want to say it because i genuinely feel that way or if it's one of those things i just feel like i should say.
people mistake us for living together. mika now calls him "my other half". when he shows up to joey's by himself or with other friends, everybody asks him where i am first before they ask him "how many in your party?". and frighteningly enough, the only thing that irked me about this was being scared that it bothered him. i like being associated with him. i like being known as a couple. dear god, what has this welsch man done to me?
he wants to go to new york together. i want to take him to hawaii for vacation. and we both want to spend summer in paris together. but at the same time, we both know that there's still so much up in the air. he could be moving back to the uk or even france at this time next year. we could potentially break up in 2 weeks. we know there's no guarantee. and i find myself constantly comforting myself that this is a good thing because in all honesty, it scares me. am i just a "fun american girl"? or am i "yuki, the complicated, sometimes tough, yet to ridiculously vulnerable, sometimes even needy, but fully supportive girlfriend?" i don't know and i'm too scared to ask.
i can't believe i just wrote that much about a boy. yes, there are more important things in life. jesus yuki.
i'm taking a stab at this taking better care of myself thing. no, yuki, three bowls of french fries don't count as eating better. yes yuki, you should go to the gym. no, no more smoking. no more binge drinking. and with these things comes the loss of appeal of things like clubbing nights, dressing up like a skank and trying to score free drinks. rather, meet me for wine and dinner or movie nights, or let's go play some pool. it feels good to not be hungover or reeking of sweat and smoke every morning.
i'm on a new quest to figure out what i want to do with this whole career thing. my friend carolyn joined microsoft as a marketing analyst a year ago and just recently joined the economist as a marketing manager. if she made that jump, so can i. so now it just buckles down to my staying focused in a position i'm not too hot about and preparing myself for movement in the very near future, whether still in this company or no. as much as i'd like to give all this up and just live my life as a freelance photographer, i know that's not possible. but nobody said i can't do it in my very limited free time. step one: create a website and learn how to sell myself. maybe i'll even have you model for my portfolio when you return.
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| | Posted 12/10/2007 8:29 PM - 11 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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